Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
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