What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
You're the ruler of my heart.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
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