Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
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