"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
I'm the life of the paddy.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Rudder valve reversals
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
He’s my pinch charming.
Get clover it, babe.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
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