What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Every piece of you is sweet.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
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