Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I dreamt about you. You died.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
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