Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Your pace or mine?
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
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