what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
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