Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
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