A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
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