A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
How was Heaven when you left it?
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Let’s list the froze and cons.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
It's lit.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
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