Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
"Time to wine down."
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
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