I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Can I be your next varietal?
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
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