There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!

I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.

Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!

“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington

"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...

Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?

What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.

“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller

How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".

Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.

Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?

I Tour de Francy you.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.

Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.

What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!

Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.

What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.

"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz

Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.

The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.

I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.

Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.

Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.

The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!

Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle

"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."

- George Carlin

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford