What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
For instant fun, just add water.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
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