According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!

Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏

What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.

What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.

I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!

Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.

How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.

What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.

What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship

Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.

What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.

Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.

Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!

How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!

Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.

What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.

Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!

Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.

You’re sledding a fine line there.

This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"

Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.

My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?

That’s a bit mulch.

I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers

Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.

When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”