What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
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