Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
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