Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Variety is the ice of life.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Time to celery-brate.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
You are aged to perfection.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
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