That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
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