What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
You really flipturn me on.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Did you know this mall has a movie theater? I just saw a preview of our life together. Looks pretty good!
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
We were mermaid for each other.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
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