What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
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