“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
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