Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
You’re my pot of gold.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
Man is Fatally Slain.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
The weather outside is snow joke.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
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