My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
You leave me Wonton more.
I love you meow and forever.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
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