“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
I think I glove you.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
There’s no trick in these pants.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
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