The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.

What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.

I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?

“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney

What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.

How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head

What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."

How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!

My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.

I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.

What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“

Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.

The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.

Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?

What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”

What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.

Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.

A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore

What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.

Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!

How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.

"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous

"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown

Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web

What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.

The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.

TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.

What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.

It’s a beautiful Degas!