What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
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