I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
For instant fun, just add water.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
Go to BabaMail
