Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
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