Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
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