Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
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