When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
You know what they say? Words.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
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