Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

Cutest clover in the patch.

Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.

What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.

Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.

What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.

What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!

When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.

There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.

What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.

The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.

What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!

I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.

What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?

What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.

What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.

The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.

Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.

Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.

What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.

What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."

Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.

Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!

A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson

Gold riddance.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.

The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.

Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.

Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.

“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”

- Franklin P. Jones.

Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!

What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.

Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.

What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!