Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
You met all of my koala-fications
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
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