Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
You're spicier than Sriracha.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
You are un-beer-lievable!
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
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