I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
We should make like your parents and split.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
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