Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
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