Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
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