Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
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