What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.