What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
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