Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
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