Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
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