What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A liar.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
Dad: "Hey son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind."
Son: "Dad I'm over here."
"As has often been noted, physics is to math what lovemaking is to masturbation."
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry." said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a BJ.
"Oh my God!", cried out the Queen, "What's happening in THERE??"
"Same issue, better health plan." Replied the doctor.
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