What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A liar.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
Dad: "Hey son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind."
Son: "Dad I'm over here."
"As has often been noted, physics is to math what lovemaking is to masturbation."
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."