These jokes and puns are ONLY for the dirty minded! Enjoy some of the most thrilling, rude and funny dirty jokes and puns!
3 Village Women
It was 1832, and three women of different ages were walking back to their small farming village. They were carrying their shopping from the market from the next town.
As they draw nearer to their village, they turn a bend in the road and suddenly hear a mumble from what they thought was a pile of mud. They cautiously moved closer to the sound, and in the golden light of the setting sun, they saw that indeed it was a mud puddle, but with a naked man lying face down in the puddle, with his head just out of it.
"Could be someone from the village." Said the first woman.
"We should check and help them back, they could freeze when night comes." Said the second woman.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell.
"Turn him over." Said the third, older woman matter-of-factly.
The other two use their feet to gingerly turn the man over. Then let their eyes go downwards.
"Well," said the first woman dryly, "He's not my husband, that's for sure."
The second woman looks over her shoulder and says: "Yep, that's not your husband."
The third woman takes a closer look and straightens with a curse.
"Don't worry girls, he's not even from our village."
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures,and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip." he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my
menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.
"He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.
"As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.
"Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.
"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'
"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.'”
Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."
Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus. When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?
"His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."
Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."
His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."
Timmy isn't satisfied with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"
Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."
"Mom said it was nothing."
"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."
There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.
Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,
"Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.
A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,
"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. I'm taking her for spaghetti. I hope she's ready."
He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.
A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.
"Hi, I'm Chuck..."
That was when the farmer shot him.
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry." said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a BJ.
"Oh my God!", cried out the Queen, "What's happening in THERE??"
"Same issue, better health plan." Replied the doctor.
Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of athens and Rome.
the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A man and woman were about to "get it on". After meeting at a party earlier that night.
He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,
"Oh wow, what happened to your feet??"
He replies, "Oh that. I had Tolio."
"You mean polio don't you?"
"No. It just infected my toes."
Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.
"Oh my, what happened to your knee caps?" She asks.
"Oh that. It's nothing. I once had Kneasles."
"Don't you mean measles?" She asks.
"No. The disease only attacked my knees, therefore it's called kneasles"
He begins to take off his shorts, she takes a quick look, and can't help but blurt out: "Let me guess, Smallcox?"
One night, little Adam walked into his parents’ bedroom to find his dad fooling around with his mom. “Dad, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied without losing a beat.
“What’s Mom doing?”
“Oh, she’s my wild card.”
That weekend, Adam went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling around in bed with his grandma.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“Well Adam, I’m playing cards,” his grandpa replied.
“What’s Grandma doing?”
“Oh, she’s my wild card.”
A few days later, Adam wandered into his older brother Steve’s room. Steve was alone.
“Steve, what are you doing?” Adam asked.
“I’m playing cards,” Steve replied.
“But where’s your wild card?”
“When you have a good hand, you don’t need a wild card.”
A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.
He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”
With a bang, she’s gone.
The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”
She also disappears immediately.
The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster.
St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Two priests are going to shower in the male shower rooms. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father Michael remembers he bought some soap the other day and it's in his room. He goes to get it, not bothering to put anything on in the the quick jog.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and turns back.
While he is halfway down the hall when he suddenly sees three newly inducted nuns going his way.
In a moment of sheer panic, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a wax statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year... ...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
A 200mph Wedding Day
A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.
"I'll make you a deal," said the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.
With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: "Please help me! My husband's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
”Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we don't waste,” answered the CFO.
“What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k.”
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?!?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching sports on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are YOU doing?" she exclaimed.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me, it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was 12.
We were sitting on a park bench eating a sandwich, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to make love without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word 'Typewriter'.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a chicken? A clucking gobbler.
What do you call a persian that smokes pot? Harry Potter.
What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there. What's the best part of gardening? Getting down and dirty with my hoes.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
What do you call a guy who is skilled in the art of oral se*? A cunnilinguist.
I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations.... .....I got off on a technicality
Do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time? Cumming of Age.
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know.
What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out? A hard copy.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have se*? Because they have cotton balls.
What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.
It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet.
I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.
He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish. He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts.
Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game? She was trying to catch some fowl balls.
Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face? Because he died hard.
Why does does Santa have such a large sack? Because he comes only once a year.
I nearly got sacked when I was caught masturbating on my first day starting a job as a roofer. Luckily, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
Last night I dreamed that my town’s water tower exploded. It was a wet dream.
I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity It won't happen again.
Masturbation should be considered a craft... as it is 100% hand made.
What was the guitar teacher arrested for? For fingering a minor.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it but they cant eat it!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do you call a Chinese rapist? Rai Ping Yu
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? addictionary.
Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.
Why was two piece swimsuit invented? To separate the hairy from the dairy.
If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear... Would Greece help?
Police have arrested a man for having se* with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large. The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
What do you call a judge with no balls? Justice Prick
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because his pecker is on his head.
What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit? If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.
What is Moby di**'s dad's name? Papa Boner
What do you call hooker that likes it in her as*? a crack whore
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
What do you call a religious guy with a hard on? A firm believer.
If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies? A swallow.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives her one.
I'm planning an orgy. It's all coming together.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It's not Hard.
The Moral Test
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea.
My girlfriend? She's a keeper.
But there is something that bothers me. This something is her little sister.
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else.
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to make love with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked. Couldn't say a word.
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then, resolute, turned on my heel and made for the door
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
The mysterious old woman greeted him warmly and said: "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.
"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"
The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.
Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could
speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."
So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist.
The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.
Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."
It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse:
"Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."
Captain Burntwood is an officer of the Union army.
One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Scamelot. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.
"I'm sorry, Captain Burntwood, but we cannot let you go." General Scamelot says. "You are responsible for the death of so many of my men. But we do respect your abilities and what you do for the love of your country, so we will make sure you are comfortable and well-treated. But tomorrow, you face the firing squad but will be given due honors befitting an officer's death. Do you have any last wishes?"
Captain Burntwood puts down his glass of bourbon and says, "I do, let me speak with my horse."
Intrigued by this request, General Scamelot leads him out to the stables. Captain Burntwood takes the horse by the reins and whispers into its ears. The horse whickers and trots out towards the gate. Still intrigued, General Scamelot waves off the guard that tries to stop the horse and the horse walks out of the garrison.
Two hours later, the horse returns with a lovely lady on it. Captain Burntwood cries out and embraces his wife. Quickly understanding (and much nudge-nudge, wink-wink with his fellow Confederates), General Scamelot welcomes the captain's wife and proclaims that he too is married and completely understands, sorry about tomorrow, but they may make generous use of his very own quarters.
The couple spends the night at the general's quarters and, come dawn, Captain Burntwood is paraded onto the grounds where a squad of soldiers are loading their rifles. A priest prays with the captain and then he is brought to the general.
"Captain, have you any last words?" the general asks.
"I do, General Scamelot, but I would say it to my horse." Captain Burntwood says.
At the general's assenting nod, Captain Burntwood walks up to his horse, grabs it by the ears and screams, "Posse! I said bring me my posse!"
Long ago there was a man who had a 25-inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.
Once with the witch, he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said, "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!"
So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.
The frog said, "No."
Then his penis shrunk five inches.
He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "No."
And it shrunk another five inches.
Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine."
So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. And, to his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop, however, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
And this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Well yea it is." Jim said innocently. "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.”
When the american said: "Did you know that our air force is so big, that when all our planes are out flying. We can't even see the sun!"
"That's nothing!" scoffed the Englishman. "Our Navy is so huge, that if we line up all our boats we can walk on a straight line all the way from England to America without getting wet feet.
After a short while the African said: "One day when I was taking a piss in the forest, 14 crows landed on my penis... At the same time."
That was when they all realized that maybe, just maybe... They all over exaggerated .
The American admitted: "Well, maybe we do see the sun shining through...".
And Englishman answered: "And we actually have to swim a bit to reach the american shoreline..."
And the African said: "And those 14 crows... Well, they were sitting pretty close together."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
Sean and Mickey are planning to go out on St. Patrick's Day, but only have 50 cents between them.
Sean has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Mickey, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Mickey is really pissed off at first that Sean spent their last money on a sausage, but Sean lets him in on his plan.
"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it."
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Sean suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.
Sean says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"
As Sean's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it.
By the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Mickey isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints.
Mickey: "I can't do this anymore Sean my bloody knees are hurting like heck."
Sean: "No worries mate... I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. '
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had s** with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
The father hears the news and, in front of the wife, acts really concerned. He promises her to speak to their son. The moment she turns, however, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had s** with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, pats him on the back, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. The son is elated.
On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
Tim walks into a bar and sees his friend Peter slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Peter what's wrong. "Well," replies Peter, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Tim with a laugh. "Well," says Peter, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Tim, "When are you going out?"
"Well I went to meet her this evening," continues Peter, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Tim.
"So I get to her door," says Peter, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to make love to, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to make love to ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to make love, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times."
Chad wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Chad a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Chad is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Chad decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Chad remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the bloody dishes."
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having s*x for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having s*x with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his thingy became bigger around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his thingy became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?”
To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine. “And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “She was ok, but my ears are killing me.”
My sensual desires have been getting out of control… But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.
A son says to his mother one day, “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I’m still a virgin.” His mother replied, “Well, start giving them bad grades and they’ll stop.”
I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination. “Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"? The swallow.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my d*ck? Never mind, it's too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pus*y? Never mind, you won't get it."
What do you call a 13 year old girl from Alabama who can run faster than her six brothers? A virgin.
Did you hear about the spread that lost its virginity? It got marmalaid.
What does a balloon and a virgin have in common? One prick and their done.
There are three stages of lovemaking after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives her one.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck on his co*.
Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili? I guess he liked seasoned professionals.
Three words to ruin a man's ego? "Is it in?"
What do the Mafia and a pu**y have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep sh*t.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? He was shooting for the stars.
Why does no one die a virgin? Because life f**ks us all.
How do you start a parade in the ghetto? Roll a 40 down the street.
What did the penis say to the vagina? Don't make me cum in there.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel.
What is the leading cause of death with lesbians? Hairballs.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got behind in his work.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
Why is 88 better than 69? Because you get eight twice.
Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done.
Why do men like big tits and a tight as*? Because they've got big mouths and little di**s.
How do you bring a man back from the dead? You suck on his di** until he cums back.
What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? Single.
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? Vomit
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."
Whats the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the sh*t out of their dogs.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spit, swallow, and gargle,
Whats the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.
Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? You can drop them off anywhere.
Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and se* education on the same day in the Middle East? They don't want to wear out the camel.
What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common? The more you play with it the harder it gets.
How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game? Call B52
What is the most common crime in China? Identity Fraud.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
Girl: My favorite number is 16 Boy: why? Girl: because you get 8 (ate) twice.
Women defy the laws of physics... They are easier to pick up the heavier they get.
A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?” “I don’t know,” said the husband “but I sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'" "What’s your name?” she asked. He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."
How do you know when a mechanic has made love? Two of his fingers are clean.
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry. Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest di*k."
"It’s a boy!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!! I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears" ~Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday. His wife is taking it really hard.
Dating is a lot like fishing. Sure, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I’m just stuck here holding my rod.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
Who was the worlds first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face.
They told me that god and chocolate are great ways to substitute se*. Now, I'm both a Nun and a virgin and I have diabetes.
Where does Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil come from? Really ugly olives.
After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.
If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live? In the hood.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger
What's a porn star's favorite drink? 7 Up in cider.
What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Piccas*ole
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. eventually went home.
What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why did Tigger look in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something.
What do you call ball's on your chin? A d*ck in your mouth.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me.
Why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. kinky is using the whole chicken.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
What is the metric equivalent of 69? 1 ate 1.
Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head while I give these two a lift.
How is a woman like a road? Both have manholes.
What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? They are both fun to ride till a friend sees you on them.
How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East? a Selfie.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you call a Muslim stripper? youseen memuff
What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans on? A white girl's bottom
Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader f**ks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat it, we're closed.
Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives Drinking Licking sucking f**king and wanking.
Whats black and eats pu**y? Cervical cancer.
What's the worse side effect of "the pill"? Children.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Whats 10 Blocks Long and has never had se*? The line for the new Call of Duty game.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
How did you get a fat chick into bed? A Piece of Cake.
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was "The Wall"
What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.
What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A liar.
What is the square root of 69? Ate something
How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow.
What is the difference between anal se* and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
Why is sperm white and piss yellow? So you know if you're cumming or going
Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster? She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus. A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN. If you force se* on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose.
What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom? Finding a box of tissues next to it.
Why does a cat lick his own di**? Because he can't make a fist
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not f**king blue.
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people, but it needs more work.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
What does a shortsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
Did you hear about the shortsighted circumciser? He got the sack.
I once dated a girl who had a beautiful seashell tattoo on her inner thigh. It was pretty, when you put your ear on it you could smell the ocean.
The truth was that Rapunzel didn’t want a prince to save her She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull her hair.
A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure." She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.
What is a chameleon that cannot change color? A reptile dysfunction.
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have se* from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm. Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure.
My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed about it for a while. Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists.
I have bathed in the blood of virgins… Well, I had a nosebleed in the shower.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy.
Tiger Woods once visited the Virgin Islands They are now just called the Islands.
What's the difference between a bowling ball and a hooker? You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball.
Why is the IRS going after Stormy Daniels? Because she didn't declare all her "gross" income.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
What's the worst thing about dating a blond? If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch.
Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? They both suck for four quarters.
How do you rape a camel? One hump at a time.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been f**king the chickens.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his as*.
What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion? a piece of as* that'll bring a tear to your eye.
What do you call a bunny with a crooked di**? FU**S FUNNY
What's 6 inches long and starts with a p? A sh*t (think about it)
What do Instagram models eat? di** Picza
Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower? Slick her hair back she looks 15.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? The back of my hand.
What do you call 2 jalapenos having se*? f**king hot.
How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? Put a sign up that says "no nudity" How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? Pull some strings.
What's worse than spiders on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid and you don't
What do you call a girl with no feet? Peggy
What do you call a gay drive by? a fruit roll up.
Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children? He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop.
Whats long hard and full of seamen? A submarine
What's the difference between onions and prostitutes? I cry when I cut up onions.
What's the difference between love and herpes? Love doesn't last forever.
Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas? He can't find the zipper.
How do you know if you have an overbite? If you're eating pu**y and it tastes like sh*t.
If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work? IHOP.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
When is an Elf not an Elf? When she's sucking your co*, then she's a goblin.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? About 45 lbs.
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? He could read lips.
What do you call a redneck bursting into flames? A Fire Cracker.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her on the as* and tell her to get back to work.
Why do they call it the wonder bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
What have women and condoms got in common? If they're not on your di** they're in your wallet.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear and the other is a f**king goodyear
What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business.
What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A urination.
How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?
A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside.
When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?
The history of human evolution is confusing. There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.
Why does Santa Claus have a smile on his face? He has a list of all the naughty girls.
What's the first question they ask people in hell who died by hanging themselves? Business or pleasure?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred. Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I finally framed my certificate for being able to shoot my sperm 15m, And I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
My wife left me because I'm an crossdresser with no sense of direction... So I packed up her things and right.
My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.
My wife thinks our love life is boring and I get distracted too easily… Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? a $100 bill.
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? a cucumber
Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? Because his wife died.
What do you call a Nun in a wheel chair? Virgin Mobile.
My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar. I have to fill her slot instead.
A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him. She comes over and says hi to him.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korean long-range missiles can't go that far.
Why can't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my co*k up your a*s.
Did you hear about the Mexican racist? He joined the que que que.
Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? The gras* tickles their balls
What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist? One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs.
When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie.
What's the difference between a redneck and poor white trash? a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.
What is a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed? Oh sheeeeet.
What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? They both don't work and always take your money.
Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.
Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook? Getting raped by jack the ripper.
Why did the boy fall off the swing? He didn't have any arms.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches.
Why did the Mafia cross the road? Forget about it.
What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Good morning ladies.
What do doctors prescribe for a sore as*hole? Bengay. ("Been gay.")
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
What's black, white, and red all over and doesn't fit through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? a PDF File.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having se*? A. Call her and tell her.
What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer? A f**kin know-it-all.
What's the job application to Hooters? They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? "I'll see you next month."
How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall gras*? A. Very satisfying.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it but they cant eat it.
How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
What's warm, wet, and pink? a pig in a hot tub.
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pu**y say "stop." Girl: But mom, he touched both, so I said "don't stop."
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs. If my wife finds out, she'll f**king kill me.
Did you hear about that kid that had se* with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.
I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has u in it. But, 'quickie' has U and I together.
Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in. se*, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so f**k the world and lets get high.
Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Se*! Se*! Se*! Free se* tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
"As has often been noted, physics is to math what lovemaking is to masturbation."
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"
Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks. "I'm a turtle" said the man. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host. "Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."
I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin.
Masochist: Beat me, whip me, hurt me, make me feel cheap! Sadist: No.
A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks to make love. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." "Then I'd like to call a friend."
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your di** is hanging out.
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!” And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.
After se* last night my new girlfriend snuggled up to me and said, “You know, you’re easily the biggest I’ve ever had.” Apparently, “Ditto” wasn’t the correct response.
I had unprotected phone se* once. Now I’ve got hearing aids.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
How do you kill a circus clown? Go for the juggler.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
What do you call an afghan virgin - Never Bin Laid On.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
Virginity is like a car. Once you’ve had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Whats 72? 69 with three people watching
What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
What do you call an afghan virgin Mever bin laid on
What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A little get together.
What do girls and noodles have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies
What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
How do you embarras* an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What did one broke hooker ask the other? Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again.
What is the difference between oral and anal se*? Oral se* makes your day and Anal se* makes your whole weak.
What would happen if you cut off your left side? You would be all right.
How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants? Depends on the length of the perch.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged? Cowboys like to eat with their hats on. What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? UCLA
Why are pubic Hairs so curly? So they don't poke her eye out.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff? A Crane.
Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra? She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a month.
What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator? Two flies in a bottle.
Why can't the post office put Charlie Sheen on a stamp? Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Why did God create orgasms? So women can moan even when they're happy
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
What do you call a white guy with a huge di**? Michael Jackson
Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at a nusing home. What do you call Iron Man without his suit? Stark naked.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What's the difference between 3 di**s and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
Why did god invent alcohol? So fat women can get laid too.
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? Seizure Salad
What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the as* and say, "You're next babe."
Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off? Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock.
What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water? I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.
Did you hear about the hitman who's also a janitor at the aquarium? He sweeps with the fishes. Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who?
How do you eat a squirrel? You spread its little legs.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an as*hole, your best friend is a pu**y, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up.
I’m making a documentary on the history of female menstruation... It’s a period piece.
What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day? Her tongue.
Se* is like math: Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.
Dad: "Hey son, if you keep masturbating you're going to go blind." Son: "Dad I'm over here."
Temptation is Hard to Resist
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from making love for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without making love for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming!" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: "Why the black underwear?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with this ... a black condom?"
"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
A guy is having marital problems.He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him what Obama said, whether the A's won, or the Giant's lost, what the pope did and so on.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did?"
The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner..."
A mother and little boy are visiting the zoo. They pass by the elephant enclosure when suddenly the elephants walk out into the open. The little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, that's nothing." She quickly leads him away.
Some time later, the boy is taken to the zoo by his father, and as they pass the elephant enclosure the child points again and asks his dad: "What's that?'
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"But mother said it was nothing!" said the boy.
The father smiles, draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began playing. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two, the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bagpipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite a while. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing!”
The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it!”
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain THAT one to you."
A young couple took their little boy to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor could find no reason for it. However, the mother continued her search and after weeks of asking around, gets to an old wise woman who everyone swears knows more strange cures than anyone alive.
"Feed him pancakes!" She declares immediately. "People won't believe it but it'll solve your problem!"
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...
After Mrs. Grandapple found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Grandapple kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Grandapple answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...'
'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.'
'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .'
'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.'
'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Grandapple. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.'
'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Grandapple gasped nervously.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know!' breathed Mrs. Grandapple.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Grandapple the picture
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Grandapple, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Grandapple another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Grandapple.
'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Grandapple was amazed.
'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Grandapple leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually CHEWED on your, um...equipment?'
'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done. Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'TRIPOD? ' Mrs. Grandapple looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am? Good God, she's fainted!'
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
The Mother, Father and Argument
A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering.
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are NOT amused by the father had said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs. "A Christmas tree??"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
The Sad Occasion
One day, a senior man awoke and made his way to the community breakfast room of his nursing home. \
He looked awful, quite forlorn.
Ms. Rudder, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day. Mr. Ferguson allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night.
Ms. Rudder knew that Mr. Ferguson was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.
The next morning Mr. Ferguson was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants.
Sure enough, he met Ms. Rudder whereupon, although somewhat startled, she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.
"Today is the viewing."
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were alright. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the son, 'I was playing with myself and accidentally shot the dog.'
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two young people showed up. One was a good looking guy in his twenties and the other was a gorgeous Brunette about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer. So, you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl boldly said, "I'll go first."
She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her, so she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissing them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He remarked, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replied the young man, "just get that lion out of the way.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 20 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's half as long as theirs?!?"
"No, but it's the same color."
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".
"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".
"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *&*hole.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Fred's brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table.
She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sighs. Sends her another note, and leaves.
The waiter brings her the note. It read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back."
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck.
Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!"
A renowned psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their little children.
After a few hours of talking and analyzing their words and behavior, he said: "I believe that you all suffer from some obsession."
He turned to the first mother and said, "You obviously have an obsession with food. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. And it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and said, "Come on, Richard, Peter and Willy, let's go".
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.
So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.
Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away!
So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.
Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you."
Long ago, Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in the ancient North, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the village doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm getting married next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay."
"Well I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight." Said the doctor. "It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a little 4 sided splint, and roped it all together. Quite an impressive work of art for those times.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and celebrated all night drinking. After the feast, he carried her to his house. As they got inside, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! NO vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking.
They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment.
After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both lying there, staring at the ceiling.
The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."