43 Old and Funny Dirty Limericks!

Welcome to Our Dirty Limerick Collection!

You must have quite a refined taste for historical and high wit, for you are about to be delighted (as well as tormented) by the word play!

WARNING: Rude Language Ahead!

There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were of differing sizes
One was so small you couldn't see it at all
The other so big it won prizes.
there once was a man from leeds
who ate a packet of seeds
within the hour
his dick was a flour
and his balls were all covered in weeds.
There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But screwed up and drowned it
And now his future is past.
there once was a man from Nantucket
with a d**k so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he licked off his chin
"if my ear was a c**t I would f**k it."
There was a young lady from Brighton
Who had an incredibly tight 'un
"Heavens Above!
It fits like a glove"
"Oh! you ain't put it in the right 'un!"
That twisted ol' dude called Lee,
Had a thing for a woman's knee.
He tossed her a coin
She kicked in his groin
And now he is known as Cicely.
That recently single dude Martin
told his ex-wife "Since our partin'
I've had women and men
Several geese and a hen
and a Hoover, and that's just for startin'."
there oncw was a man from china
who wasnt a very good climba
he slipped on a rock
and cut of his c**k
and now hes got a va**na.
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
There once was a man from sprocket
Who went for a ride in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found his d**k in his pocket!
There was a man named Daddino
Met a handsome young man from Encino
The pleasures they had
Made them both rather glad
But the neighbors all found it obscene-o.
There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!
There once was a guy named Swartz,
whose dick was covered with warts,
but the girls would play,
with his dick anyway,
'cause good ol' Swartz came in quarts!
There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her va**na
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil.
To Marie Antoinette whispered Montesquieu,
“Madame la Reine, do you want to squieu?
I’ll balance your powers
For hours and hours
Until I have bend your hole a-skew.”
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Complacently stroking his madam
And he thought with mirth
On the whole damned Earth
There were only two balls and he had ’em.
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
An insomniac young fellow named Hatches
Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez
He still tossed and turned
half the night, but he learned
How to manage by sleeping in snatches.
There once was a Scott named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter
'Twas not his size
That caused such surprise
'Twas his rhythm - iambic pentameter.
There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his c**k
When he got an erection
It'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
There once was maid name of Olga,
whoes resume read rather vulga
the things she could do,
from basement to flue,
without ever letting go of ya
There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It was not for the leisure
Or the sensual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath.
there once was a couple named Kelly
they got stuck belly to belly
for in their haste they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly.
On a maiden a man once begat
Bouncing triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat
Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat!
There was a young man from Peru,
who fell asleep in his canoe,
while dreaming of Venus,
he played with his penis,
and woke up covered in goo.
There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini.
There once was a man from Pompeii
One day made a wife out of clay
But the heat from his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away!
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew
Oh the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.
There was a young lady from the Azores
Whose box was all covered with sores
And the dogs in the street
Wouldn’t bark at the meat
that hung in festoons from her drawers.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.
The limerick is an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly on s*x.
It deals with virgins
And masculine urgins
for vulgar erotic effects.
There once was a man from Racine
Who was an amazing fu**ing machine
Both concave and convex
He could screw either s*x
and jerk himself off in between.
A young whore who came from Lahore
Would lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny
She'd wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls dry to the core.
A suave young man named Douglas
Felt bad that he was pud-less.
He rolled up a sock
To embolden his c**k
And now he is no longer loveless.
Young Micharlangelo Matos
Has relations with unripe tomatoes.
Grinning, he flirts
"Sure the insertion hurts
But they're cleaner than uncooked potatoes."
There once was a girl from Hoboken,
who swore her cherry was broken,
from riding her bike,
on a cobblestone pike,
but it was really broken from pokin'.
In the garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
There once was a young man named Bruno,
who said, "F*ing is one thing I do know.
"Sheep are just fine,
"And women devine,
"But, llamas are numero uno!"
There once was a hooker named Sue,
Who filled her va**na with glue.
When they paid to get in,
She said with a grin,
You must pay to get out of it too!
There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went.
You may think these limericks are crass
and throw me a comment to sass
but I will agree
to some degree
and I’ll still show you the crack of my ass
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie –
‘Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!