Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a Lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his penis. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed. They gave him the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant’s trunk for a penis. A couple weeks pass and a chimp comes by to ask Tarzan how his new parts are. Tarzan says “Eye, make Tarzan see far!” “Arm, make Tarzan strong!” “But Tarzan no like new wee-wee!!” The chimp asks “why not?” Tarzan makes a curling motion with his arm, mimicking an elephant’s trunk and says, “It keeps picking weeds and shoving them up Tarzan’s ass!”

After many years of work, Jack retired and started playing golf. He was at the course almost every day, but after a few years, he stopped. When his wife asked why, he told her: "My eyesight has deteriorated. I hit the ball, but I have no idea where it flies. It takes all the fun out of it." The wife thought for a moment and said: "Ask my brother Nathan to help you. He's eighty-five, but his vision is excellent." Jack raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think so?" "Don't worry," she said, "Nathan sees like a hawk!" The next day, Jack and Nathan went to the golf course together. Jack positioned himself at the first tee and hit the ball straight into the trees off the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" he asked his brother-in-law. "Of course!" said Nathan proudly. Jack tried again, and this time the golf ball flew over a distant hill. "Did you see where the ball went?" he asked. "Yes," answered Nathan, "I saw exactly where it went." Jack, satisfied and ready to move on, asked, "Where do I need to go to collect the first 2 balls?" "No idea." answered his brother-in-law. "What do you mean, 'no idea'?" asked Jack angrily, "I thought you saw everything!" "I saw," said Nathan, "but I don't remember..."

An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside. Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the lot. A bearded man in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “My daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a professional!"

I had a phone conversation this morning with a very nice young fella from India. This is how it went: "Hello sir, how are you today?" "I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?" "Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft". "Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?" " No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -" "REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......" "Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you-" "No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer". "You don't?" "I don't". "Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -" "Don't have one". "Ipad?" "Nope". "Tablet?" "Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone". After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!" I said "Well, you started it!!" and hung up.

A lion was walking proudly through the savanna, his head held high surveying the land before him. He comes across a boar, who cowers at the sight of him. "Hey, boar, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. "You, sir, of course", said the fearful boar. "Correct", said the lion, and moved on. He then comes across an antelope. "Hey, antelope, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. "Y-y-ou, s-s-ir", said the trembling antelope. "Darn right!", said the lion, and moved on. He then comes across an elephant. "Hey, elephant, who is the mightiest creature in the savanna?", asks the lion. The elephant, without saying a word, grabs the lion with his trunk, spins him around, and tosses him into a nearby muddy watering hole. The lion slowly crawls out, mud dripping, and mutters under his breath, "The temper some animals have... he could have just said, 'I don't know!'"