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Told Jokes

Mermaid Puns
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
Ogre Puns
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Garden Puns
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Literary Pick Up Lines
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
Funny Aging Quotes
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Pot Puns
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Funny Health Quotes
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
If I Had a Dollar... Jokes
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Irish Puns
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Tableware Puns
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Classic Pick Up Lines
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Food Quotes
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Yard Puns
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.