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Tells Jokes

Marriage Puns
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Funny Work Quotes
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Bee Puns
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Funny Aging Quotes
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Funny Parenting Quotes
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Tiger Puns
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Travel Pick Up Lines
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Mountain Puns
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Password Puns
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Funny Money Quotes
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson