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Open Jokes

Funny Marriage Quotes
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
Meat Puns
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Onion Puns
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Elvis Pick Up Lines
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
Coffee Shop Pick Up Lines
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Orange Puns
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Funny Health Quotes
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
Nuts Puns
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Funny Parenting Quotes
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Tableware Puns
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.