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peas Jokes

peas Jokes and more.
Mr. Know-It-All
A Physics professor had a student that was always late and always had an answer or an excuse. He decides to ask him a few questions in front of the class and put him on the spot. "Tell me, Michael, What is faster, light or sound?" "Well light, obviously." "Alright, why?" "Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound" The professor sighs and gives a you're-an-idiot look. He moves to the next student asks the same question. "What is faster, light or sound?" "Well obviously it is sound." "Uhhh what?? Why do you think this?" "Well when I turn on my TV, I first hear it and then comes the picture." Extremely annoyed the professor is now a bit pissed off. He believes that maybe the question is too hard for these pea brains and tries to vary it. The next student he asks "You are on the foot of a mountain. On the summit there is a cannon being fired. Do you first see the light of the fire or do you first hear the sound?" "Obviously you first see the light." Slightly hopeful the professor says "YES and why is that?" "Well the eyes are obviously further ahead than the ears."
Vegetable Puns
I hope for world peas.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Ant Puns
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Pea Puns
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Soup Puns
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Funny Poems
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
The Special Prices
On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "One single penny?!" exclaimed the man. The barman replied, "Yes, sir. Just one penny." As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender. "But all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Orange Puns
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Bear Puns
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Funny Tongue Twisters
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
The Old Lady, the Judge & Her Husband
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied: 'a can of peaches.' The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She said she stole six. The judge then said, 'I will give you six days in jail.' Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, 'What is it?' The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
Nuts Puns
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
The Old Lady Shoplifter
An old lady gets caught shoplifting. On court day the lady and her husband who goes stand before the judge and she says to her, "Why did you shoplift?" And she says "I was hungry." The judge says "What did you take?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge thinks on this and comes to a decision. "How many peaches where in the can?" "Six." says the old lady. "Then you shall serve six days in jail." Decrees the judge. "Do you have anything to add?" "Ah, your honor?" Her husband suddenly raises his hand. "She stole a can of peas too."