Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree