What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.