The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.