What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."