What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.