Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.