What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.