A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.