Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.