What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.