What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.