What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.