One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!