Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.