Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.