I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.