Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
To get to the other tide.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer