I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.