What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!