Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.