Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!